


High Society

by nnDeeDee



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Lee Taeyong, Dysfunctional Relationships, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, Everyone Is Very Rich, Exes, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, JohnTen Side Relationship, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun & Suh Youngho | Johnny Are Best Friends, Lee Taeyong & Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten Are Best Friends, M/M, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Top Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, everyone is a bit of an asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:35:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21587734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nnDeeDee/pseuds/nnDeeDee
Summary: Taeyong is a coward.Jaehyun is a drunk.Jaehyun and Taeyong loved eachother. Then Taeyong ran away.The new year finds Jaehyun alone and heartbroken, trying to find the answers at the bottom of a bottle. Little did he know that the love of his life would return on the next day.Do the disillusioned heirs of the filthy rich get a new chance at happiness?Do they even deserve it?
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 21
Kudos: 105





	1. Forget-Me-Not

**Author's Note:**

> [update july14 - i'm experiencing a complete loss of motivation and severe anxiety, so until further notice HS is on hiatus]
> 
> Hi~
> 
> This au is going to be a little different from my other ones, as I won't set myself a timeline regarding when and how to finish it. 
> 
> There's plot, yes, but this story will be mainly focusing on the relationship dynamic beetwen JaeYong, and the struggle many young adults go through during their path to accepting themselves. There's heavy mention of psychological problems/suicidal tendencies, so a **TRIGGER WARNING** is in order.

The girl’s kiss tastes sour, Jaehyun can’t help but frown at the tainted flavour of the alcohol. This is not happening. He unwraps the girl’s arms from his neck, lazily signalling her to leave.

’Asshole.’ she sounds really pissed off, but the man doesn’t care. He’s bored. He’s always bored. What’s the point of being this filthy rich, if after a while every drink tastes the same, every girl and guy he beds for the night feels the same. and It’s been almost a year since…

He shakes his head in frustration, really the last thing he needs to do today is think of Lee-fucking-Taeyong.

He sighs, taking a deep inhale from the vape, holding the smoke in, before blowing it all out into a candy floss flavoured cloud. This has been a shit year, there’s no denying that, and this fancy New Year’s party, his own, isn’t going to help it. Thank fuck, 2019 is just a few minutes away from being over. He lays back down onto the sofa, knowing that he will have to show his face once the countdown is over, but atleast until then he gets some relative peace.

’15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10…5, 4, 3, 2, 1.’ Jaehyun rolls his eyes at the countdown, reaching for the half empty Krug, drinking the champagne right out of the bottle.

’Happy New Year, sunshine.’ Johnny elbows him in the side as he plops down, throwing his feet up on the expensive caffee table, much to the chaebol’s annoyance.

’Get your hooves off.’

’What got you into such a great mood? Also what did you do to Niyeon? She called you a dickhead before storming off.’ Jaehyun just grunts at the teasing.

’Never go for the lowest hanging fruit Jojo…’

’You really are snarky tonight, jeez. Are you gonna grace us with your presence downstairs?’

’Yeah, yeah.’ he stands up too quickly, a little dizzy from the alcohol. He catches his reflection in the floor-to-ceiling mirror. He knows what they see when they look at him – he looks expensive and handsome, with the simple grey shirt flaunting his muscles, tucked into black jeans, his caramel hair messily falling into his eyes. He looks good, the only things betraying him are the dark circles from the multiple sleepless nights.

He instinctively tucks into his hair one last time, before finally heading downstairs to play the host.

* * *

The phone’s beeping chases away the last remains of the little sleep Jaehyun got. Sighing deeply, he pulls the blanket off of his head, only bothering to open half an eye. The familiar red of the breaking news alert of a gossip site that’s been less than nice to his kind sets off the alarm bells in his head.

’Oh for fucks sake.’

The picture of the young man, handsome as ever makes him anything but happy. The caption reads: ’Spotted: Lee Taeyong. Looks like our IT boy is finally home.’

Jaehyun buries his face in the pillow, letting out a grunt of frustration. _Taeyong is back. Like really-really back. Fuck._

’Call the car, I’m going out.’ he mutters into the intercom next to his bed.

The driver greets him friendly.

’Where to, sir?’ the chaebol frowns. That’s a good question.

* * *

**(9 months earlier)**

_They are drunk. The limousine is cruising through the night swiftly, there’s barely any traffic, not that they’ve noticed. Taeyong is in his arms, hiding in his chest, light as a feather, and yet Jaehyun feels as if he’s unable to move. Or is it the taste of the sweet, numbing lips all over his mouth that got him trapped? Lifting his head, he breaks up the kiss, letting out an evil smirk at the dissatisfied whine that follows, just admiring the sight. The usual innocence has completely disappeared, there’s a lustful, wild flame burning in Taeyong’s eyes, so electric it makes Jaehyun’s body scream for more. Sliding his hand up, he pulls onto the pink locks, gently, but firm enough to force the other’s head back._

_’You’re mine. You’re only mi…’ the growling deep voice gets lost in another messy kiss._

* * *

’Sir?’ the driver’s voice breaks Jaehyun out of his memories.

’Yes, sorry. Let’s go see the devil.’

’Sir… I uh.’

’My bad. I meant let’s go to the Lees.’ the chaebol corrects himself quickly, before leaning back onto the limousine seat. The slight hungover from last night mixed with his insomnia has resulted in a throbbing headache, and the thought of having to face Taeyong so soon doesn’t help the situation either.

* * *

Taeyong faintly smiles at the familiar surroundings, trying to quench the guilt when he realizes his mother kept everything the same, as if it was always ready for his return. A return that Taeyong wasn’t quite sure if it will ever happen until a few days ago, when he found himself packing a bag and booking a last-minute ticket to finally come home.

Realistically, he knew coming back isn’t going to be easy, the breaking news alert with his own face is still open on his phone, a sore reminder of what exactly did he run away from. He never really liked the limelight that came with being born at the right place to the right family, it was nothing he worked to earn. He just got lucky in life, so he did his best to avoid it.

He slips on a simple hoodie, much bigger than his own size, but the wore-down, soft fabric has always felt like a hug. Bare-faced, in his casual clothes, he looks just like any other 25 year old, not how anyone would imagine the sole heir of a powerful family.

A quiet knock on the door interrupts his thoughts, he looks up, smiling at the familiar housekeeper.

’I’m sorry sir, you have a guest that insists on seeing you. Should I send him away?’

’I told you before, simply, Taeyong is fine, there’s no need for formalities. Who is it?’

’It’s J..’ the woman is interrupted by a deep voice. ’Thank you, I got it from here.’

* * *

Taeyong seems to freeze at the sight of Jaehyun, who receives one last death stare from the elderly lady before she disappears from the room. Silence falls beetwen them, their eyes relentlessly mapping just how much the other has changed in the past 8 months.

He looks good – _so good it pisses Jaehyun off_ – because he shouldn’t be looking this fucking perfect after running out on him, disappearing without a single word. It’s just not fair. The pink hair he last saw Taeyong with is gone, but the longer black locks just make him look even more ethereal, as if he stepped right out of a comic book.

’Hi Jae, it’s nice to see you. How are you?’ the tone is friendly, almost casual as if Taeyong was just reuniting with a long-time-no-see, distant friend.

’Welcome home. How was your trip?’ he manages to mask his emotions, hiding just how badly the man standing infront of him has bruised his ego.

’Was good, but I had to come back.’

’Why?’

’Just family business.’

Jaehyun blinks, pursing his lips together into a thin line because of the obvious lie. He shakes his head slowly, there’s so many things to say, yet somehow none of them seem right.

’I have to go.’ his mouth feels so dry as he does his damn best to ignore the gaze piercing through his back walking away. He wants to go back, he wants to yell at him, he wants to tell Taeyong that he’s sorry, he wants Taeyong to be sorry, he wants to hold him, he wants what was theirs before everything so spectacularly went to shit.

His thoughts chase eachother. Taeyong broke his heart. Taeyong is cruel. Taeyong is bad. Taeyong is a liar. _’Taeyong broke your heart. Taeyong left you.’_ And yet, through the cloud of anger and hurt he can still hear the quiet voice in his mind, asking the one question he’s been running from the past months: _’do you really think you are any better?’_

For kids like them, life has always been planned out, down to every little detail. What to wear, how to look like, which school to get into, who to make friends with – as his mother often liked to repeat, it’s not about who you really are, it’s about how do you present yourself.

So Jaehyun got good grades, hung out with the right crowd, courted the right girl – not that he cared about any of it, he simply didn’t dare to not be perfect. During the long nights when he found himself awake in his bed, so painfully lonely and fighting with dark thoughts, while struggling to fall asleep he accepted that for kids like him, happiness was never on the menu.

Then he met Taeyong.

* * *

_There’s nothing quite as dizzying than standing on the edge of a 65 stories high skyscraper, especially after downing half of of the best scotch money could buy. It’s been 3 days since he finally turned 19, legally gaining control of the estate his grandparents left him – a pile of money so huge he could barely comprehend how rich he became in a snap of a finger. The past days are hazy, even the memory reeks of booze, cheap people and fake smiles. Jaehyun is exhausted, and maybe that’s what led him here – to the top of the city, from where if you fall, you will never get back up to._

_He tugs into his hair, holding his head, trying to keep it from spinning. He drank so much, and yet the hole in his chest is still gaping. It’s not that Jaehyun wants to die particularly, but for some reason he can’t bring himself to step down from the ledge. The bottle is messing with his balance, he just laughs it off – the sound is empty and unhappy – before taking another deep sip. The scotch burns his throat, the warmth and momentary relief it used to give is nowhere to be found anymore, it disappeared together with any illusions he had, about how being a legal adult would change anything._

_He smirks, eyes shining wildly, taking a bow on the ledge to an invisible audience._

_’Jump.’ he commands himself._

_’It’s just one step, jump.’ but his legs don’t seem to move._

_’Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you…’ he whispers into the night as the tears finally start flowing. A door squeaks behind him, the sudden noise startles Jaehyun and he nearly falls after the bottle of whiskey he lets go of accidentally, realizing just how deep the gaping darkness of the city under him is._

_’Hey, hey – hi.’ the man (or rather boy) who disturbed him rambles on, his voice sounds panicked. ’I saw you up here. What are you doing? Do you need someone? Should I call your parents?’_

_Jaehyun is too tired for the string of questions, he just emptily blinks, still standing in the same spot. The boy lifts his hands up, signaling that he means no harm as he slowly approaches, still talking._

_’I’m Taeyong. Can you tell me your name? It’s going to be okay, let me help you down from there, I promise you will feel much better, just let me help you.’_

_His voice is sweet. It’s reaching through the darkness, etching the name ’Taeyong’ in his drunk brain. An iron-tight fist closes around his wrist - he looks down, the other boy seems so small, light as a feather. And yet for the first time in a while, it feels like as if there’s something tethering Jaehyun to this world._

_’My name is Jaehyun…’_


	2. Heartbreak

The night finds Jaehyun in yet another club. He can barely remember how he got here – he just threw his black card to the bartender, announcing amongst the cheers of the crowd that he’s paying. It’s just money. It doesn’t matter.

The deafening noise of drunk chatter, the fiery sensation of the scotch running through his body finally seems enough to help him forget little by little. Help him forget how Taeyong lied to his face, how he bruised his ego, how he dared to just simply come back after leaving, and how stupidly, unfairly hot he looked still. The monster in Jaehyun’s stomach roars about how _non of this is fucking fair._

As he stands up he nearly loses balance, his vision isn’t clear, but that’s nothing to be surprised about. He’s aware that the binge-drinking of the past days combined with his general insomnia are wrecking him. It’s just that he doesn’t really care anymore.

’Cheers y’all!’ he stands up on the table as he yells into the crowd, raising the bottle, his mouth pulling into a smile too wide. He recognizes a few familiar faces, it makes sense his friends would be here too, but they know Jaehyun just well enough to not try to stop him, he never listened to any of them anyway.

* * *

The chicken is a bit too chewy, but Taeyong is way too lost in his thoughts to notice it. The dinner is quiet, his parents seem somewhat anxious, as if they are worried he’s going to disappear again. The guilt returns once again, for more than one reason, even though he doesn’t allow himself to really think about what happened earlier. His phone beeps, seeing Yuta’s name sets off the alarm bells in his head.

 _’T, you need to come here, please.’_ the message has a pictured attached, one that makes a too familiar, sinking feeling reappear.

’I… I’m so sorry, I have to go.’ he apologizes hastily before leaving, once again.

* * *

The club’s air is heavy from the sweaty bodies mashing against eachother, the stink of alcohol and expensive cologne mixed together. It makes Taeyong’s stomach turn as he pushes through the crowd, ignoring the drunkly slurred compliments he receives from strangers. A warm fist closes on his wrist, Yuta rolls his eyes at the expression he makes, before pointing him towards the end of the club. Taeyong knew they would all be mad, it’s not just him that he run out on, but all of them. ’Next to everything I’m also a terrible friend’ he thinks sorely.

He finds Jaehyun under beautiful strangers, with his face buried into the neck of a young woman, looking just as if he was the main character of a shitty vampire novel. He doesn’t notice Taeyong, it’s the girl that meets his gaze, it’s her that gets terrified by the spark of raging jealousy flickering through his eyes for a moment before he ices up his expression again.

’Leave.’ Taeyong rationally knows that he has no right to be jealous, but thinking something and seeing something are two very different things. The sternness in his voice scares the girls away, as the other man finally looks up at him.

’What are you doing here?’

 _’What are you?’_ Taeyong sits down, pulling his legs up, crossing his arms on his knees.

’It’s non of your business. Not like you care about me anyway…’

’How much did you drink?’

’Not enough to make you disappear…’ the words turn into mumbling, and as Taeyong realizes just how drunk the other is, he gulps, trying to get rid of the guilt burning his throat. He helps Jaehyun up, wrapping his arm around his waist.

’Let’s get you out of here.’

Taeyong sighs as he finally gets the drunk in the car. Jaehyun has fallen asleep on his shoulder, he looks peaceful and his features ease up, but the elder takes note of the dark shadows under his eyes,the telltale signs of long nights.

’Where to, sir?’ that’s a good question. If Taeyong is being honest, the last thing he wants to do right now is take Jaehyun home and face questions after he ran out at dinner, but he can’t bring his wasted ass to his own parents like this.

’Let’s go home. Thank you.’

* * *

’I’m never drinking again.’ is Jaehyun’s first thought once his consciousness slowly comes around from his drunk sleep. His head feels like it’s been tore into half by a giant who then put it into a dishwasher – he can’t quite remember when was the last time he got this wasted. The night turned into a blur except the memory of arms locked around his waist, the arms of someone whom he wanted to push away and kiss forever, somehow at the same time. _Taeyong._

The soft fabric smells familiar, and as Jaehyun finally opens his eyes, the memories come crushing down. This is the same bed where he heard Taeyong first moan his name, he can still remember how the syllables sounded like molten gold rolling of his tongue. He never thought his own name could sound so beautiful. But it’s just how Taeyong was – everything around him just became naturally better. This is the same ceiling Jaehyun stared at back then, holding him in his arms, feeling his soft hair tickling his bare chest as he wondered how is it humanly possible to be this happy.

’Memories. These are just memories.’ he reminds himself. The reality is that he somehow ended up in Taeyong’s bed, with his head feeling like it’s going to explode any second, and his mouth is so dry as if he spent the night at the Sahara. He sits up, only then noticing the glass of water and the painkillers on the table, with a bundle of clothes next to it. He recognizes his own sweatpants, boxers and a simple white t-shirt. ’Don’t read anything into it. He was gone and the staff just never threw your clothes out.’ the voice in his head sounds distant and derisive. 

He sighs, quickly slipping out of the black leather pants from last night, a reminder of just how bitter he was – the tight fabric coated his legs so perfectly, making it obvious that he wanted attention, he wanted trouble. He wanted to fuck someone until their body is trembling under him, hoping that maybe then the hole in his chest would close. The memories slowly catch up to him, how Taeyong found him with girls on his lap, kissing the neck of a blonde, and just how quickly they disappeared because of that icy tone the elder used.

Whatever. He slips the t-shirt on, ruffling his hair, barely checking himself out in the mirror. He looks messy. He’s hungry and thirsty, so he will have to face whatever is waiting for him outside this room.

* * *

He’s nervous. A lot more nervous than he should be, especially considering how he held Jaehyun’s head last night for hours as the younger threw everything up, his body finally giving up after what Taeyong assumed to be days of partying on a basically empty stomach. He’s cooking, the smell of eggs and bacon is a good distraction, it gives him something to focus on, ensuring that he doesn’t explode into a ball of frustration. The appartement is empty, his parents left for Miami early this morning, saying hasty goodbyes and not asking questions – Taeyong couldn’t put into words how grateful he was for this. He gave the staff the day off, it’s the weekend anyways, and if him and Jaehyun are going to argue, it’s better that there’s no witnesses to it.

’Hi.’ the aforementioned appears, leaning against the doorway.

’I made food, come eat.’ he signals Jaehyun towards the table with his head, ignoring the impossible-to-read look the younger gives him. The silence is awkward, full of heavy tension, a strange tension the origin of which Taeyong can’t exactly pinpoint.

Jaehyun looks different. His jawline became even more prominent, accentuating his classical handsomeness even more – he always reminded Taeyong of Disney princes –, and with the caramel blonde hair falling into his chocolate brown eyes, he’s the very image of the boyfriend everyone dreams of. It’s those eyes that concerned the elder, the circles around them, the haunted, painful look. He seems so lost, and Taeyong can’t help but think that this is all his fault.

’Can you stop staring at me?’ his thoughts get interrupted.

’Jaehyun, I’m sorry.’ the fork freezes. He can feel the same dark eyes on himself. ’I’m sorry I left without a word – I should’ve explained what happened.’

’Are you fucking serious right now?’ he stands up so quickly the it’s barely visible.

’…’ Taeyong instictively tries to back up as Jaehyun steps closer, the cold granite of the kitchen counter stopping him mercilessly.

’That is what you are sorry for? Not explaining well enough?’

He can feel the warm breath on his face, the arms close to his waist as the younger leans on the counter, trapping Taeyong beetwen his body and the granite. He can’t bear himself to speak, he just stares desperately, hoping he understands without words.

’You broke my heart, you know.’ he says simply. There it is, the fact Taeyong tried to deny to himself in the past months, just out in the open, almost casually. He doesn’t want to hear it, he can’t bear seeing how haunted Jaehyun looks, so he moves forward, closing the distance beetwen their lips. The kiss is bitter, distant and jealous, there’s just too much history, too many things forgive, and he can feel how the younger hesitates to kiss him back. It’s just not right. Non of this is.

* * *

**(8 months earlier)**

_It’s been almost half hour since the door slammed behind Jaehyun, the noise ripping into the night. He sits on the floor outside the appartement, clutching his still shaking hands into a fist. How did everything manage to turn so awful so quick? He’s tired, he’s exhausted of fighting – just a month ago they were so happy, they felt so untouchable. But something has changed, and his beautiful, nurturing Taeyong suddenly became distant, untethered and distracted. Their once playful fights turned into real arguements poisoning their relationship slowly, leaving a familiar, sinking taste in Jaehyun’s stomach._

_’Get out. I’m so sorry, leave me alone.’ the words still echo in his head, the image of Taeyong staring at him, eyes so full of desperation still, as if he’s trying his best to really keep it together still lingers. Jaehyun knows he should go home, give the elder space, but his legs don’t want to move. The old Jaehyun would have walked away, drowning his heartache in alcohol and meaningless sex, but he wasn’t that Jaehyun anymore – Taeyong’s soft grip on his heart left him wanting to be good – good enough for his angel._

_He sighs. He knows he can’t walk away, not from him. He gets up, pushing the door open again. The appartement is dark, but his steps instinctively lead him into the living room. His heart breaks into pieces as he finds Taeyong curled up on the fluffy carpet, face still tear-stained, asleep. He seems too tiny, too pure for this world, as if he really was just an angel that wandered off from heaven to play tricks with Jaehyun’s heart._

_The younger sighs again. He’s so tired, but he can’t leave Taeyong. ’He needs you.’ a voice louder than the snarkiness of his bruised ego repeats in his brain. He carefully kneels down, grabbing a blanket, laying down next to the sleeping man. He stares into the darkness, hesitating for a second before pulling him closer._

_’You came back. You came back. You came back…’ Taeyong keeps repeating the words like a broken record, as the tears finally find their way out. He hides his face in Jaehyun’s chest, shaking as he cries violently, leaving the younger wondering if this is how the world crumbling down feels like._


	3. Using People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, will attempt to continue this story! Enjoy.
> 
> thank you for everything, readers~ <3  
> please let me know what you think
> 
> * * *

_’Blue.’_

Taeyong inhales deeply, rubbing his forehead, observing the fluffy carpet infront of him like his life depends on it. It’s been 2 days since he awkwardly kissed Jaehyun, 2 days since the younger kissed him back for only a few seconds before running out of the appartement, as if rabid dogs were after him.

 _’Blue. But also a little green. Maybe teal?’_ the carpet reminds him of a sleeping bear. If bears were blue of course, that is. Quite literally the last thing he wanted to start his week with was having tea with his mother and her socialite frenemies, but yet here they were. They’ve all agreed multiple times about „what a handsome, young man our Yongie has grown into”, which just made the boy want to sink into the floor even more. Maybe if he stares at the carpet long enough the bear gets up and eats him alive…

’…right, Taeyongie?’ his mother’s voice interrupts his thoughts.

’I apologize eomma, I must have missed it, can you please repeat?’ he forces his eyes away from the carpet, smiling kindly at the women.

’Oh, so well-mannered and charming.’ a blonde lady in her fifties claps her hands approvingly. Taeyong’s mind is drawing a blank when it comes to her name. Not that it matters, he’s just here to be a good son anyway.

’Where’s your mind at today?’ his mother gently pinches his cheek before continuing. ’I was just saying how now that you are back you can finally start practicing again.’

’Ah, ah, we can’t wait to see you dancing again, young man.’ it takes all of the boy’s self control not to roll his eyes rudely. Luckily, his phone becomes his saving grace.

He lets out the first genuine smile of the day as he reads the text:

_’TY, I’m hooooooome from Europe, lets meet asap, xx’_

_’Hii pretty pretty, when?’_

_’Come over, Ive missed you sexy ass’_

_’omw, love’_

’Eomma, Tennie just came back from Italy. It’s been months since I’ve seen him. Please excuse my leaving early.’

’Go, go. Give him my regards.’

He leans forward, pressing a kiss on his mother’s cheek. As the elevator door closes, he can hear the ladies agreeing how these „youngsters are always so busy.”

* * *

Taeyong greets the housekeeper with a smile and a small bow. He finds Ten on the floor, practicing a set of complicated flexibility exercises. He clears his throat loudly, alerting the other of his presence.

’Were you this eager to see me, sweetie? It’s been only 36 minutes.’

’I’m not the one that was counting down the minutes.’ Taeyong lets out a small smirk at the teasing, before plopping down onto the floor.

’Fuck, I’ve missed you.’ Ten hugs him tightly.

’Ya, dummy, you are going to choke me out. Let me gooooo.’

’Nah, not just yet, you deserve it.’

’Tennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnieeee, please.’ he finally manages to free himself, giggling. They’ve basically grown up together, best friends since the age of 6, and eachother’s awkward first kiss at the age of 15, after which they both agreed to never ever do this again.

But most importantly, if anyone, he understood why Taeyong left. Half hour later they are both sitting on the bed, having finished the obligatory small talk about holidays and travel arrangements.

’How are you, _really?’_

Taeyong gulps, shifting his weight on the bed uncomfortably. He expected this question, coming here.

’Do you want the honest version or the one for public use?’

’Both.’

’I’m fine, I’ve just needed some time away from the big city, preparing for my rehearsals was very stressful so I’ve decided to check up on some family business in other countries, and take a holiday.’

’Okay, now the honest one.’

’I’m getting by, Tennie.’ he smiles sadly. ’I’ve fucked up everything I had here, but I had to get away…’

’Did you talk to him yet?’

’Yeah, it went spectacularly shit.’ this is how Taeyong sums up the events of the past days.

Ten sighs, observing his friend for a second.

’Fuck this. We are going out tonight.’

* * *

Hours later Taeyong stands infront of the mirror shirtless, with a towel tied around his waist. _’Look at yourself.’_ he forces his eyes, observing how his fragile, bony chest goes in and out. Breathing. _Alive. I’m still alive._

He shakes his head, throwing the towel on the mirror. He walks to the gigantic closet, hesitating for a second, remembering the disgusted glare Jaehyun gave him before running away. Fuck it.

It’s not really him that slips into jeans too tight, with a white collared shirt hanging too low, drawing his eyeliner too dark, his lips too glossy, before reaching for a black velvet choker, emphasizing his sharp collarbones. Looking into the mirror, his own seductive, too sinful image is strange and unknown to Taeyong. It’s not really him. He’s just real fucking petty, but he doesn’t care anymore.

The music is too loud, mixed with the taste of the strawberry vodka, his senses are numbed, and as Ten pulls him into the dancing crowd, his body flows with the rythm instinctively, and if his friend didn’t keep a hand on his wrist, he would be completely lost in the ocean of strangers. Taeyong is beautiful, really just too gorgeous for his own good on any given day, but heartbreak gives him a new edge, something dangerous and uncontrollable, tainting that perfection. As he dances he’s the very image of trouble waiting to happen.

Ten doesn’t let go of his hand even when Taeyong can feel the ghostly touches of a stranger’s palms all over his waist, the same waist where… He doesn’t want to remember, it doesn’t matter. He leans into the arms of the faceless man, forcing himself to swallow down the taste of disgust in his mouth as he feels the stranger grinding against his body. _’You are so fucking hot.’_ the slurred compliment finds it’s way into his ears, and Taeyong smiles, emptily, because he’s hot, he’s wanted, and he just doesn’t want to think anymore.

 _Jaehyun_... he needs to forget about him, because the pain feels too real, it’s suffocating him to the point where he’s struggling to breathe in the heavy air around him. So he closes his eyes, frees his hand from his friend’s grip and moves with the music, dancing with a stranger about whom nothing feels right. But Taeyong believes he can convince himself. He believes if you repeat a lie just enough times, it will become the truth.

Minutes, hours pass as his body keeps pulsating to the music, getting grinded by a faceless man, as Taeyong still refuses to turn around to take a good look at his partner for the night – it doesn’t matter who it is, this is about using people to feel better. To feel less cheap, to feel wanted, to feel meaningful. He catches the spark of worry in Ten’s eyes as his friend stares at him, signalling him to come back, but he doesn’t care anymore. He just wants to stop feeling the hole in his chest.

* * *

_’Spotted: the ice prince drunk off his ass, we wonder what got our good boy in such a mood. Are you there? Send us the details’_

The gossip site’s alert finds Jaehyun sitting on the rooftop, lost in his thoughts. He’s sober for the first time in days or maybe weeks, the aftertaste of the weekend’s encounter with Taeyong put him in anything but a party mood.

He was almost certain this was going to happen, but he couldn’t help pushing the elder away when they kissed – it just felt too fake, a desperate attempt to make everything better by getting physical. Taeyong looked too terrified as Jaehyun finally managed to leave, doing his damn best to not turn back, to not hug him right there on the spot. He was too hurt to do so. He is still too hurt to do so.

Jaehyun expected this message, knowing all too well how self-destructive the other gets when he’s upset, but he couldn’t bear himself to go ahead and stop him. A petty monster in his stomach growled contently about how Taeyong deserved this – for everything that happened in the past 8 months or rather 1,5 years, and for everything Jaehyun chose to blame him for, conveniently ignoring his own share of fuck-ups. He sighs, rubbing his temples before flicking the cigarette to the ground. He knows well enough by now that no matter how mad he is, he can’t just sit and watch him get hurt, he can’t keep on ignoring how the growing worry feels like a rock in his stomach. Jaehyun cares, and he hates it.

*

As the cab stops, Jaehyun rolls his eyes at the familiar neon sign above the tacky design. Taeyong was always one to frequent these places, ones that were too colorful, too messy for his taste, leading them into endless squabbles whenever they decided to go out. He walks up to the bouncer, ignoring the queue, sliding him a bill on the pretense of a handshake. He disappears into the club. Money opens every door, it’s always been like this.

He spots a familiar figure leaning against the corridor’s wall, with a stranger’s face buried in his neck. Ten exhales deeply, moodily frowning at him before pushing his partner for the night away.

’Hello to you too.’ Jaehyun ignores the dirty look the elder gives him.

’It’s weird to see you sober at this hour.’

’Where’s…?’ Ten interrupts him.

’He’s inside with some guy. _I’d hurry if I were you._ ’ he points vaguely to the the door further away.

’And Jaehyunie…’

’Yes?’

’Sort your shit out. He’s been back for less than a week and you are already drinking yourselves to death. If what I’ve heard is correct, a few days ago it was you, today it’s him, and we’ve been down this path already. _Please._ ’

’Thank you.’ Jaehyun pats his shoulder before stepping away. It’s time to find Taeyong.

He pushes through the crowd, barely attention to the surroundings. He knows well enough that the one he’s looking for will be in the middle of all of this, that there will be people staring, because when Taeyong dances the world just forgets to go on.

And then Jaehyun spots him. The low hanging shirt revealing his prominent collarbones, the tight pants around those long legs, the dark hair messily falling into those heavily outlined eyes. Gorgeous Taeyong. Mesmerizing, wild, drunk Taeyong, held by a stranger, someone unworthy of him trying to claim more of this ethereal perfection.

He holds back his first instinct to intervene, his brain screaming 'Mine!' obsessively at the sight of someone daring to lay a finger on him. He observes how elegantly, lightly he moves to the rythm, way too angelic for a place like this, how the stranger is trying to keep up with him and fails to do so. He feels the rush in his own body, his skin tingles as the heat rises with the desire for what was his once, for this stunning personification of trouble, Taeyong. His Taeyong. His beautiful Taeyong.

He moves towards them, locking his grip a little too tight on the stranger’s shoulder, pulling him away, prying those hands away quickly. Their eyes meet, and the other man flinches, he can’t stand to look back at Jaehyun for long as he mouths the words: _’May I?’_

*

Taeyong doesn’t care about the hands disappearing from his body, the stranger was only limiting his movement anyway. He dances freely and beautifully, locking the world out, taking his chance to not care about anything. Soft hair tickles his chin as someone leans forward, the words are barely audible, and yet they make him freeze in his tracks. He turns around.

’What are you doing here?’ he asks, the music is too loud anyway. Jaehyun doesn’t answer just gives him an impossible to read look. He looks so intimidatingly handsome it makes Taeyong’s throat close up for a second before he turns around stubbornly. Fuck Jaehyun. This is not fair.

He focuses on dancing again, picking up the flow of the music with ease, throwing himself into the rythm, doing his best to ignore the younger man next to him. He can feel Jaehyun’s presence in his entire body, and Taeyong hates how it feels like a protective shield of safety and comfort, how it’s finally easier to breathe now. He turns around, bracing himself to meet those dark eyes. Jaehyun doesn’t touch him, but he’s here, and that’s the only thing that matters. Maybe if he’s here that means he still cares…

_Maybe it’s not all lost._


	4. Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I was very quick with this chapter. Enjoy~ and please let me know what you think!  
> As usual, a **trigger warning** is in order.
> 
> * * *

One thing that Jaehyun always found mesmerizing was how easily Taeyong changed while dancing. His usual innocence and shyness would disappear in the matter of seconds, making way for this wild, fuckable, uncontrollable Taeyong. A version of him that's messing with his sanity even now. 

Jaehyun's presence is enough to scare away any potential suitors, and this gives him a fucked up sense of achievement how they don't even dare to compete with him for this eternal beauty.

He can feel Taeyong's observant gaze on himself, and for a second the magic is almost broken, because as their eyes meet, the realistic, cold-headed part of Jaehyun knows that he should go, he needs to get the hell away from Lee-fucking-Taeyong before he falls in love all over again and gets his stupid heart broken one more time.

Taeyong raises an eyebrow but doesn't say anything, just continues dancing while keeping the eye contact. The challenge is bold and obvious, he can almost hear the mocking whisper... _'Keep up with me, Jaehyunie.'_

If he touches Taeyong, if he gives in to the desire that's making his entire body feel like it's on fire, and kisses the porcelain skin of that beautiful, slutty neck, then he loses. Then Taeyong gets his way. 

And Jaehyun would rather die than let Taeyong win this one.

'Go, you idiot.' he commands himself, forcing his eyes away from Taeyong. He pushes through the crowd. _Oh, if they knew..._

*

'Why are you here?'

Jaehyun sighs in frustration, of course Taeyong would follow him out here. 

_'Jaehyun? Look at me.'_ it feels like a fist is gripping his heart as he turns his head. 

Why is he here? Jaehyun would like an answer to this question himself. He's not sure what brought him here, he moved so instinctively once he saw the picture, he didn't even think. He just knew he had to protect Taeyong.

Taeyong who looks so painfully stunning in the cold January night, wearing only a small leather jacket over his clothes.

Jaehyun absolutely despises himself for nearly offering the elder his own coat. Fuck, he needs to get away from here. How the fuck is he still this whipped after months? _'Am I really this stupid?'_

'Just need a cab.' 

'I didn't mean that.'

_It hurts._

'Why did you leave?' he asks simply. Taeyong's breath hitches.

'I...needed to...' his voice fades off.

'Thought so.' Jaehyun rolls his eyes.

'Go home, _hyung._ It's late.'

* * *

It’s 3 AM. Taeyong is sitting on the bathroom floor, holding onto his knees so tightly it colors his knuckles white. The flirty black eyeliner has turned into dark tears running down his face, as he struggles with an all too familiar feeling in his stomach. The sour taste of alcohol mixed with his own bile nauseates him even more.

Disgusting.

He inhales deeply. Out. In. Out. _Alive. I’m alive. I’m breathing._

He can feel the ghosts of strangers’ hands all over his body, and it’s all too real suddenly. He swallows down hard. He can’t let it happen…

His breath staggers. Cold sweat glues his dark locks to his face as he rocks himself back and forth, and Taeyong cries, silently, helplessly, and all alone.

* * *

’Well that’s a sight to see, it’s not even 8 yet.’ Johnny greets Jaehyun with a smile, as the younger throws himself down on the sofa, lazily sipping his coffee.

’You did tell me to come get coffee with you.’

’Yeah and it definitely never happened that your ass was too hungover to show up…’

Jaehyun smacks him with a pillow.

’A little birdy told me you were at the Neon last night…’ Of course Ten couldn’t keep his mouth shut. The younger makes a mental note to tell him off the next time he sees him.

’Your little birdy was tongue deep in someone’s mouth, did he also happen to mention this one?’

’Don’t be a dick, Jaejae.’

He frowns before apologizing hastily. It’s not Johnny he’s mad at, and this was an unnecessary blow, especially considering how Jaehyun knows about his massive highschool crush.

’I thought you were going to stay away from Taeyong…’ the elder pushes the sensitive topic, and every word just bruises his ego even more. _Fuck Taeyong._

’Same.’ reminiscing about last night just makes Jaehyun even more pissed. How he ran to protect him without thinking, acting like an unnecessary prince charming, trying to save Taeyong. A Taeyong who acted like a flirty brat in the club, messing with Jaehyun’s head. He feels stupid.

’Hey Jae, _here’s a revolutionary idea_ – why don’t you just talk to him instead of torturing yourself?’ Johnny’s words make Jaehyun think.

 _Why don’t we talk?_ Maybe because everytime Taeyong opened his mouth all that came out were lies, obvious, dumb lies, ones he was sure the elder knew he would never believe.

Lies that hurt Jaehyun more than anything, because Taeyong was keeping secrets from him, he suddenly stopped trusting him, and eventually just ran away instead of explaining anything.

’There’s no point to it.’ he sighs quietly, locking the feelings of betrayal deep inside his brain, before continuing. ’Anyway, we need to talk business, father is going to murder me if I don’t get some work done finally.’

’Good boy. Yah, I went through the Swedish contracts and found 3 key points our income could be increased and…’

*

As the chaebols focus on working, and Jaehyun is finally distracted enough to forget, on the other side of the city Taeyong sits up in his bed, swallowing harshly, desperately scrambling to get some water, helping his dry, burning throat.

His voice is hoarse, cheeks swollen, his knuckles still sensitive, as he washes his face. He forces his eyes up, taking note of his grayish, ashy skin, hollow eyes in the mirror, staring at himself with a loathful expression.

A knock on the door interrupts. The housekeeper warmly smiles at him as she carries in the tray of food.

’Breakfast, Yongie. Your mother asked me to make sure you eat properly.’

’Thank you ajumma.’ Taeyong drops back onto the bed, pulling his legs up as he chews on a strawberry carefully. He can feel the old lady’s eyes on himself.

’Are you okay, son?’ her voice is kind, he can hear that she genuinely cares.

’I’m fine, thank you for your concern.’ he shoots her an only slightly forced smile. She doesn’t seem convinced, but knows Taeyong just well enough by now to not pressure him more.

He used to love mornings. Finding his way back from the land of dreams, still comfortable and warm from sleeping in those strong, protective arms all night, letting the sun stroke his closed eyelids before slowly opening them. Then hearing the bedsheets rustling, as Jaehyun, ever the light sleeper he was, would always wake up the moment Taeyong moved, shoving his face into the creak of the elder’s neck, kissing it softly before Taeyong would hear a deep, sluggish „good morning” mumbled. It quickly became an addictive morning routine, their bodies fitting so perfectly as if they were the last two pieces of some puzzle, different yet just right for eachother. And somehow all of this wasn’t enough to stop Taeyong from running away.

He hesitatingly bites down onto another strawberry. He feels a little disgusted about last night, he was too loud, too flirty, too out-of-control, and yet Jaehyun showed up. Jaehyun showed up, and didn’t give in to Taeyong’s flirting, just watched him like a scary, annoyed shadow before turning his back and walking away. It’s not possible he still cares… after all this. He looked so exasperated when Taeyong kissed him.

’Shut up.’ he tells to the desperate voice in his mind that whispers about how it could be, it’s possible, that after all this time Jaehyun still cares.

* * *

There’s nothing the rich and famous of the city love more than throwing pretentious fundraisers for causes they genuinely don’t give a shit about. It was no secret that beneficiaries got chosen by how good their name sounded on invitations.

Jaehyun stands next to his parents, with a welcoming smile frozen on his face. He can feel the muscles of his cheeks going numb from the forced expression, but this was just one of the exhausting bullshit a chaebol family’s kid had to deal with. He bows to a new couple, ignoring the eager look the wife in her 50’s shoots him. He knows he looks good, for all his faults, Jaehyun was one to look absolutely deadly in a suit, and he would often find himself rejecting the unwanted advances of women much older than himself.

The couple leaves, and for a minute he lets his smile drop, giving a break to his strained muscles. He’s nervous. He saw Taeyong’s parents names on the guestlist, and he prays to all gods, wishing that their son chose to be antisocial as always, skipping yet another socialite party. Just 20 more minutes and then he can excuse himself, find Johnny and Yuta, finally have a drink, and spend the rest of the night mocking everything and everyone around them.

Ten walks up on the stairs his steps seem light as feather, he reminds Jaehyun of a tiger looking for it’s next prey. He elegantly bows to his parents.

’What a lovely event Mr. and Mrs. Jung, I was so pleased to receive your invitation.’

’Ah, Chittaphon, such a surprise, your mother told me you were still in Europe.’ Jaehyun’s mother claps her hands.

’I’ve only recently arrived back ma’am, and I’ve been asked by my father to attend, since he had other obligations.’

’You have a nice time, I’m so glad to see you back.’

As Ten enters, Jaehyun’s ears catch a faint whisper. _’Have a nice evening, Jaehyun.’_

’Eomma, I was wondering… did the Lees accept your invitation?’ he masks his voice, sounding almost non-chalant as he turns to his mother.

’Yes, Hyunie. Why?’ the woman looks at him curiously.

’Nothing, nothing, I was just…’ Jaehyun trails off, not knowing how to finish the sentence. There’s no way Taeyong will show up tonight, after having skipped so many of these events… _Right?_

*

Taeyong kicks the suit off his bed moodily, only to pick it up a second later, because annoyed or not, he’s not going to make a mess. It’s black. He doesn’t need to take a second look at it to know it’s high fashion, tailored just for him. He loathes black-tie events, excuses to flaunt giant piles of money, and if he wasn’t still feeling guilty about running out on his parents too, he would have never agreed when his mother asked if he will attend the party.

He spins around in the suit, checking himself out. He’s so pale as if he’s about to pass out any second. He makes a face at the mirror before reaching for his favorite eyeliner and a hair spray.

’My god, what did you do?’ his mother’s shock makes Taeyong giggle.

’Sorry, I found the suit in itself boring, eomma. Do you like it?’ he tilts his head forward, showing off his once black hair dyed teal by a mix of colorful hairsprays.

The woman stares at him without blinking for a second.

’Ah ah, you never grow up.’ she finally laughs, ruffling Taeyong’s hair. ’Get in.’

It’s only when the car stops that Taeyong realizes he didn’t even ask where they are going. He peaks out to see the familiar outline of the opera house, that means whoever is throwing the party is filthy rich.

He inhales deeply as the chaffeur opens the limousine’s door.

* * *

Black limousines, fake smiles, too loud laughs. Jaehyun has been only standing here for around 25 minutes, and he can already feel his headache throbbing. It’s almost over, he longingly thinks of the scotch he’s going to get his hands on. A new car stops, and as the driver opens the door, something drops deeply in Jaehyun’s stomach.

The man is charismatic and the woman is beautiful, even in her late 50’s, but Jaehyun doesn’t see them, he only has eyes for the skinny figure walking behind them, a young man with bright, playful blue-ish hair, a detail so out of place in this pretentious world. Taeyong is here.

Much to Jaehyun’s disappointment the ground doesn’t suddenly open to swallow him whole, and it’s too late to sneak away. The guests bow, and he subtly stares at Taeyong as their parents get through the obligatory rounds of small-talk. He seems bored and shy, eyes fixated on the carpet infront of him, looking anywhere but at Jaehyun.

Under the lines of the heavy, black eyeliner the younger spots redness and dark circles, and his heart aches with desire to hug Taeyong, to hold him and tell him it’s okay, he’s not alone, that Jaehyunie is here, it’s okay.

’Jaehyun?’ his father’s voice interrupts his thoughts and he drags his eyes away from the elder, answering the question with a smile, professional and charming as ever, hiding how his heart is breaking to a million pieces because Taeyong is suffering. 

*

The landscape under the balcony is breathtaking, and a part of Taeyong just wants to fly away like a bird, be free and never look back, to not be weighed down by anything. He snuck out here sometime during the second act, the darkness, the mass of people around him, the nauseating mix of perfumes and colognes left him struggling to breathe, and his mother just nodded understandingly when she realized what’s happening.

It’s cold, too cold to be out here in January, but right now it doesn’t bother Taeyong at all. He’s furious at himself for walking into this situation, for not checking who’s throwing the event, for thinking Jaehyun would care, when in reality he was just another one of the chaebols laughing too loudly at dumb jokes. Jaehyun doesn’t care about me. He feels a sudden wave of disgust, and he crosses his arms, trying to hold himself together, forcefully swallowing down the bile, sliding onto the cold tiles of the balcony helplessly, waiting for the world to fall apart.

This is how Jaehyun finds him.

*

Jaehyun is terrified. He has seen this before, he found Taeyong shaking, dry-heaving, struggling to breathe on the bathroom floor months ago, so helpless and broken that he went completely limp in Jaehyun’s arms as he tried to lift him. That night he carried their blankets into the bathroom, and laid on the floor with Taeyong, drawing soothing circles on his chest with his index until the elder finally fell asleep.

He kneels down infront of him, not touching Taeyong, just holding his palms out, as if he was offering something, letting the elder make the choice.

 _’Jaehyun…’_ he sounds so weak and lost, lifting his head and looking at him with disfocused, hollow eyes.

’I’m here.’

 _’Jaehyunie…’_ he repeats his name like a broken record, tearing up quietly, and this reminds Jaehyun of that night months ago, when Taeyong told him to get lost, but he couldn’t leave him. He knows that he still can’t leave him.

Jaehyun doesn’t care about his pride or his bruised ego anymore, he just pulls Taeyong close, lifting him onto his lap, kissing his soft blue hair, wrapping his arms tightly around the fragile body of the other man. Taeyong hides his face in his neck, sobbing, and Jaehyun can feel the wetness on his skin, so he just holds him tighter, allowing himself to love again, even if it’s just for a moment.

Long minutes pass as Taeyong’s breathing finally evens out, he’s resting his head on Jaehyun’s chest, and the younger knows that if either of them speaks now, the magic will be broken for good, and then he will have to let go, then he will have to ask questions Taeyong doesn’t want to or can’t answer, and the walls beetwen them will grow taller. So he doesn’t say anything, just enjoys how his soft breathing tickles his neck, how there’s a warm body pressing against his, how he was able to protect Taeyong.

’Jaehyun?’ he mumbles into his skin.

’Yes?’

’Thank you.’

Jaehyun sighs quietly, kissing his head again. ' _You are welcome, Taeyong.'_ he thinks.


	5. Strawberry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii, this was quick, right? 
> 
> Enjoy~ <3
> 
> Leave me your thoughts if you wanna, I love reading the comments, it motivates me to write :)  
> Also these days can expect this to get updated fairly often, because writing JaeYong relaxes me when I'm stressed out.
> 
> Love ya always, stay safe. (and send Taeyong and Jaehyun and the rest of NCT some love, they really deserve it)
> 
> * * *

Jaehyun settles the bottle of scotch beetwen them, sitting back onto the balcony's floor. 

_'Drink.'_

Taeyong looks up, carefully observing the younger. He doesn't reply, just takes a deep sip, and pushes the bottle back.

The scotch burns, and Jaehyun tilts his head back, letting the alcohol run it's course in his body. 

'Why are you not sleeping these days?' Taeyong's voice is still shaky, dry from crying, and the question surprises Jaehyun. How does he even know? 

'I can see the circles around your eyes...' he continues, trailing off mid sentence.

Jaehyun sighs.

'Why did you come back?' he answers the question with another question.

'See, this is the problem with us, we only have questions, but no answers.' Taeyong snickers, emptily, and for a second he looks miserable. He pries the bottle away to drink, and Jaehyun watches as his Adam's apple bobs up and down.

'Shouldn't you be in there playing the host?' Taeyong signals toward the party. 

'I'm good.' 

_'Jaehyunie, I'm sorry.'_ the apology is abrupt and unexpected, it feels unplanned, as if he just blurted it out.

'For what?'

'For not being here.'

 _'Huh. I guess we are doing this.'_ Jaehyun thinks to himself bitterly, weighing what to say.

'You left without a word. It fucking sucked. I had, well rather, _I still have no idea what the fuck did I do that was so bad, that I didn't deserve an explanation._ ' he's aware how sharp his voice sounds, but he doesn't care.

He leans forward, taking Taeyong's cheeks beetwen his palms. The other man trembles like a leaf as their skin touches.

Jaehyun sighs, eyebrows jumping up in worry from how tense, how fragile Taeyong is. _So vulnerable, I could just kill him with a wrong move..._

'What's so bad that you can't even tell me?' he asks quietly, softening his tone again. He caresses the sensitive skin under the dark spots of messed up eyeliner. 

'I'm sorry...' he sounds so tiny it rips into the younger's heart, it makes him want to curl up around Taeyong, to shield him from the world.

 _'Why can't you talk to me? What happened to you? I loved you so much.'_ he wants to ask.

'I know.' he says instead. He doesn't say that it's okay, because it's not, because this is not about forgiveness yet, this is about the fact no matter how angry and hurt he is, he cares. He can't stop caring.

Taeyong looks up with his red, sore eyes, and he's so breathtakingly stunning even now, as he sits in the dust of the balcony, it makes Jaehyun's heart skip a beat. 

He sighs, dropping his hands back onto his lap.

'Did you eat?'

 _'What?'_ the question catches Taeyong off-guard.

'You heard me. Come.' Jaehyun winks at him, locking his grip around the bony wrist.

*

Taeyong feels a little ridiculous as Jaehyun drags him through the crowd, moving just smoothly enough to not make the other guests suspicious. The younger guides him into the kitchen of the opera's restaurant.

'Give me a second.' he excuses himself and disappears deeper into the kitchen as Taeyong sits on the counter. Distantly he can hear Jaehyun greeting someone.

He returns with a mischievous smirk, and hops onto the counter too. He's close. _Too close._

'What did you do?'

'It's a surprise.' 

Minutes pass and a young woman brings out two plates and a bowl.

'Thank you, noona.' 

Jaehyun pushes a plate of strawberries covered in whipped cream infront of him, and the elder feels a sudden wave of warmth. He remembered.

' _Yah_ , that's better.' Jaehyun's face lights up, making his dimples appear. 

'Why are you being so nice?'

'You were having a shit day.' he shrugs, licking the whipped cream off a strawberry before continuing. 'Plus these are my parents' caterers after all.'

Taeyong pouts, eating the fruits with tiny bites. They are sweet and fresh, filling up his starved out stomach. 

'This is weird.' Taeyong thinks.

He looks up. Jaehyun is handsome and calm leaning against the kitchen appliances in his expensive suit, lazily chewing a strawberry. Taeyong can smell his sandalwood cologne, the familiar scent turning his head dizzy. 

Their eyes meet, and Jaehyun’s gaze is impossible-to-read, it feels as if it's stripping Taeyong bare, exposing all of his secrets.

His phone buzzes. It’s Ten.

_’I heard your mom convinced you to come. Where r u xx’_

_’Ill come to u’_ he texts back hastily. He’s still uncertain what exactly happened here, why is Jaehyun suddenly staring at him like _that_ , but knowing Ten well enough he's aware his friend would just escalate the situation even more. He slides off the counter.

’They are looking for me.’

The younger just nods, and Taeyong scurries out of the kitchen, not allowing the old habits to kick in.

*

He finds Ten leaning against a column, charismatic and flamboyant as usual, in his gold embroidered suit, it’s his company that makes Taeyong hesitate for a second. When he walked away from the life of the elite months ago, he didn’t just leave his parents and Jaehyun, he left all of their friends too. Ten may have forgiven him easily, but he can’t expect the same courtesy from everyone else.

A part of him just wants to hide inside the bathrooms, but just as he’s about to leave, Ten spots him. He steps closer, worry fleeting through his eyes, blocking Taeyong from their friends view for a second. The elder can feel a tissue being slipped into his hands, and he quickly wipes off the leftovers of his makeup.

’Ah, look, what did the tide drag in!’ Yuta teases him, before pulling Taeyong into a quick hug.

Johnny just waves him a distracted, distant hello. ’I deserve that one.’ he thinks. He’s not surprised, Johnny and Jaehyun are like brothers, and even if he hates to admit it, realistically Taeyong knows that Jaehyun’s excessive-drinking and insomnia didn’t only start when he returned. 

_’I’m out of place’_ he realizes while standing in the middle of the well-dressed, too comfortably rich crowd. He says goodbye to Ten with a quick peck on the cheek before disappearing into the night.

* * *

The street is so poorly lit for a second Taeyong is unsure whether he is in the right spot, before recognizing the familiar red door behind him. He digs in his pockets for the key, opening the door only to disappear in a cloud of dust. He reaches for the switch, the sole lightbulb of the room flickers.

He fondly looks around, taking in the sight of the familiar wooden floors, the colorful walls, and the floor to ceiling mirrors.

*

**(11 months ago)**

_’Are you sure?’_

_’Yes!’ Taeyong nods as he signs the lease, hastily ushering the real estate agent out of what's now his property. His studio. His personal safe haven._

*

He frowns at the centimetres thick layers of dust, his natural (or as Ten likes to call it, obsessive) desire for aesthetics and cleanliness objects loudly against the messy state his beloved practice room is in.

Minutes pass as Taeyong does his best to ignore the dirt collecting on his once black sweatpants as he sweeps up a little, cleaning his own frustrations away with the untouched filth of the past months.

He always thought if there were such things as happy places, this would be his – well-hidden in one of the poorest suburbs, away from all the pretentious wealth of the business districts, a tiny appartement turned into a studio in a street where noone knew him or his family.

*

**(10 months earlier)**

_’Hey kid, lunch!’ the old man doesn’t bother knocking just pushes the door open with his shoulders, carrying two gigantic bowls of ramyun in his hands. The smell lures Taeyong into the kitchen._

_’Ah, there you are. You better eat well, my Minji cooked it just for you.’ he beams._

_’She is very kind. Thank you!’ as he slowly started renovating the run down studio all by his own, painting colorful, magical landscapes all over the walls, bowing politely to passers-by, singing old folk songs playfully as he worked, Taeyong became the favorite of the elders living in the street. Then one day Shindae just knocked on his door with a plate of food, leaving it on the table and mumbling about how Taeyong was just too damn skinny and how they were just worried._

_The soup is delicious and rich, it warms his insides, he politely thanks the elder again._

_’Atleast you finally have some color in your cheeks, son. How’s the work going? Do you need any help?’_

_’I’m almost done ajussi…’ this became a regular conversation and Taeyong would always insist on working alone._

_’Aish, stubborn! Will you really teach dance here?’_

_’Yes.’_

*

He smiles, running his fingers on the outline of the painting. A magical word of joy, acceptance and happiness, he reminisces as he worked for days, hiding the studio from everyone, protecting it from a world that valued money, looks and connections above everything else.

He settles down the broom, hesitating for a second before plugging his earphones in, allowing the sweet melody of a familiar song fill up his head. He stares at himself in the mirror, and as he finally moves to the rythm, the fairytale world painted on the walls absorbs him, dances with him, and for the first time in months Taeyong doesn’t turn his back on his own reflection.

He lets his mind fly free, away from all the secrets, all the darkness of the past year, away from the guilt burning his throat, his spiteful hatred, away from all that made Taeyong give up the things he ever really cared about.

He dances until he can’t stand anymore, collapsing onto the floor, breathing rapidly in his own pool of sweat, blinking the tears burning his eyes away.

He falls asleep there, on the floor, dreaming of dark eyes and a dimpled smile.

* * *

Jaehyun is frustrated. He looks back over his shoulder, effortlessly throwing the dart into the bull’s eye.

’You are making this game really unfun.’ Johnny sulks.

_’Tough shit.’_

’I see you are in a great mood once again, Jae.’

Jaehyun doesn’t reply just glares at him before downing his beer. Tonight’s encounter with Taeyong put him in anything but a good mood, and he’s just mad. Mad at Taeyong and mostly mad at himself, because the moment he saw the other sitting in the dirt of the balcony, he was willing to forgive everything.

He throws another dart, it hits the outer rim, still scoring 20 points. Johnny punches him in the arm.

’I’m never playing darts with you again.’

’Gotta work on your aim, I guess…’ he shrugs, ducking quickly from the dart thrown at him in response.

Johnny’s phone beeps, he looks up apologeticly, and Jaehyun can read the look in his eyes even before he speaks.

’I gotta…’

 _’Go enjoy your bootycall, boo_ , I know I can’t compete.’ Jaehyun acts hurt.

’Your ass is too flat for me anyway.’ Johnny dashes out into the night before the younger could snap back.

*

The penthouse becomes too quiet as the door closes behind Johnny, if Jaehyun is being honest, it's almost uncomfortably silent. It's only 11 PM, the city is still awake, it would take only a quick call to order his driver to bring the car around, he could head to any of the popular clubs in Gangnam to find company for the night, find someone to distract himself with, someone who while might not be as pretty as him, would definitely not make Jaehyun feel so helpless and unsure of what to do.

He finds his mind wandering around Taeyong. _Did he go home? Is he okay?_

He groans, rubbing his face into his palms before plopping down onto the bed. Even if he could forget long enough to bed a stranger, Jaehyun is certain that the only thing that would satisfy him right now would be getting him back. Having his beautiful, breathtaking Taeyong with his flushed cheeks and pink, swollen lips back in his arms, exposed and sinfully desirable, lustfully moaning his name and begging for more, begging Jaehyun to taint that perfection over and over again...


	6. It's Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, 
> 
> As usual, thank you for all the support, kudos, comments etc, I love you<3  
> Enjoy and take care of your health~
> 
> * * *

**(9 months earlier)**

_Taeyong loves Jaehyun._

_Ever since he found the younger on the edge of that roof, drunk, dangerous and absolutely gorgeous, their hearts were connected by an invisible link, navigating together in the mess of their lives, carefully guiding and protecting eachother._

_Taeyong loves Jaehyun, it's just... He's sitting on the floor, his pink hair messily falling into his eyes, still sweaty from hours of practice. He sighs, pointedly turning back to the high rise mirrors as he quickly changes from his beloved simple sweatpants and tank top into the usual combination of Chanel and Burberry._

_Taeyong loves Jaehyun, so he signals the driver to stop at a local restaurant, picking up some take out, leaving a way too generous tip, the kind of money that reeks of guilt._

_Taeyong loves Jaehyun, so when the car finally arrives back in the business district, he ignores his nausea and instead walks inside the skyscraper. The elevator beeps._

_As the door opens, he's blinded by the view of Seoul at night, a stunning ocean of colorful lights. It's beautiful... Of course when you are standing on top of the world, everything is._

_He softly knocks on the elegant wooden door._

_'I brought dinner.'_

_'How did you know?' a genuine, dimples smile finds it's way to Jaehyun's lips, and for a moment Taeyong allows himself to revel in the sight._

_He shrugs._

_'Your work addiction is one hell of a hill to die on...'_

_'You are the greatest boyfriend ever.' he catches his hand, blowing a soft kiss on it that tickles and soothes Taeyong's skin._

_'Jae, this is the bare minimum.' he raises an eyebrow before continuing. 'Eat.'_

_As the elder leans against the desk he can feel Jaehyun's gaze on his face, a look that's full of unsaid questions and curiousity. He's not stupid... a quiet voice in Taeyong's mind warns._

_Minutes pass._

_Jaehyun clears his throat, and the elder feels long, elegant fingers forcing him to turn his head, to meet those dark brown eyes._

_'What?'_

_He doesn't seem phased by Taeyong's snarky tone._

_'Just missed you...' he smiles faintly, before pushing the box of take-out towards him, with a gesture that's all too familiar by now. Jaehyun is not stupid._

_Taeyong loves Jaehyun, so he takes it_.

* * *

_'God damned hooligans busted the lock, can't have a day of peace...'_ the old man's swearing wakes Taeyong up. He jumps on his feet as his still foggy mind pieces the events of last night together.

'Shindae-ssi, it's just me!' he raises his voice a little, alerting the ajussi of his presence. 

'Ah, kid, you are back!'

Taeyong wants to bow, but the man just pulls him into a quick hug.

'Thank you for keeping an eye on my property.'

'Are you staying now, son?' 

*****

Taeyong double checks the lock on the door. It's been hours since Shindae limped back home, and the man's question is still echoing in his head. Is he staying? Can he even afford to stay?

The sun is bright and as he waits for the car to pull up, Taeyong allows himself a moment of peace, letting the rays warm up his face.

* * *

Jaehyun frowns at the giant stack of papers as he tugs into his hair. It's almost 9 PM and he's still at the office. For the past months this has became his routine – working till exhaustion, then drinking till he blacked out, or moved on to fucking a stranger about whom nothing seemed right.

He walks to the window, stretching his arms, admiring the breathtaking landscape of Gangnam’s lights, a view only the privileged ever got to see. He rolls his sleeves up before pouring himself a glass of whiskey, slowly savouring how the drink burns just right.

If Jaehyun was being honest, he would say his life reminds him of a spaceous, comfortable golden cage. He has everything money could buy, he’s handsome, young and realistically he knows so many people would switch places with him in a heartbeat. But times like these, when he spent nights slouching over his documents, only finding some solace in alcohol and parties, the usually comfortable golden cage suddenly became suffocating and achingly lonely.

He hates being alone. 

* * *

Ten is drunk, the kind of drunk where he slurs his words in a broken mix of thai and english, cutely pouting at Taeyong who arrives to his rescue, trying to drag the older man into the crowd of dancers instead of slowing down.

'Tennie come onnn...' he pulls on his friend's arm, but it's about as effective as if he was trying to relocate a mountain. Taeyong only realized just how inebriated Ten was once he arrived to the club, finding the man in a circle of strangers whom he just casually introduced as his new best friends. 

'You should live a little honey, I don't wanth to go hhomeee...' the sweet smell of cigarettes mixed with his cologne makes Taeyong dizzy.

'That's not what you said, sweetheart, when you called me to pick you up...' he emphasizes the pet name, trying to cover his increasing frustration with snarkiness.

'I just missed you, is that such a crime?' Ten stares at him doe-eyed, and Taeyong can't help but giggle at the sudden display of innocence.

'Fine, fine...' he sighs, letting the younger pull him into the crowd. 

_After all, what's the worst that could happen?_

*****

Dancing is always Taeyong's safe place, even now as he's in one of the city's most exclusive clubs, taking care of a Ten whose better judgement got washed away by tremendous amounts of soju, he can trust his body to swim freely in the rythm.

_Okay, so what now?_

Taeyong is startled by the big palm closing on his shoulder, interrupting his thoughts. Johnny just gives him a less than friendly look, signaling towards Ten with his head.

It was no secret for anyone how these two were caught in an endless struggle of _'i-hate-being-with-you-but-without-you-it's-even-worse'_ kind of relationship, both of them way too proud to make that final step. And yet, Johnny is here, once again proving that he's the kind of guy who shows up. 

'Did he call you?'

'He didn't seem well over texts... just wanted to check.'

'...' observing Johnny's face, under the reserved expression Taeyong can spot the signs he's looking for, how he cares for this drunk idiot, even if he will not admit it.

'Go be a hero, lover boy...'

*****

The air is chilly outside, his leather jacket barely offers any protection. Taeyong hesitates. He could go home, get under his blankets... or he could allow himself to finally stop running.

_I will stop being a coward._

'Can you pick me up?'

*****

The familiar Lamborghini slows down, and for a second Taeyong seriously contemplates just running away, already regretting his decision from a mere 25 minutes ago. 'Get in.' he commands himself.

Jaehyun is not wearing his usual suit, just a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, his honey colored hair is pushed out of his forehead, as if he was repeatedly tugging into it before.

Taeyong watches silently as he grips the stick shift a little too tight, his muscles tensing visibly.

Few minutes later, as the car is flying in the Seoulite night, Jaehyun finally speaks:

'Where to?'

'Can we talk?'

'Sure, it went great everytime we tried.' the sarcasm is dripping from the younger's voice, but he changes lanes without a further word.

* * *

Taeyong is sitting on the car's hood, and if it was anyone else, Jaehyun would be giving them a piece of his mind about how they dare to risk scratching his beloved Lamborghini, but it's Taeyong. 

He looks ethereal in the moonlight, his pale skin is almost shining. Jaehyun raises an eyebrow before grabbing a spare blanket from the trunk, dropping it into his lap. 

'You are shivering.' 

'Thanks.' Taeyong doesn't object, just hides under the blanket.

'Are you okay?' he sits on the hood too.

'Jaehyunie, I'm sorry.' 

'You've said this already.' 

'Yes, but...' as Taeyong looks up at him, he seems so helpless.

Silence falls on them. It hurts, but Jaehyun can't stop himself. It's just too painful.

'Remember the first time we came here? I just got my license and we got utterly lost. I was so damn pissed but you told me that it's okay and to enjoy the view...' 

'And that the journey is just as important as the destination?' Taeyong finishes the sentence quietly.

'Yeah.'

 _'That's such a fucking cliché.'_ the older man bursts out laughing.

'Why did you come back, Taeyong?' Jaehyun's voice is gentle and patient. He holds his breath, maybe it's finally time...

'I missed you.'

The younger exhales. _Not this again..._

'Fuck it.'

'What?'

'I waited way too long for this.' Jaehyun pulls the dumbfounded man closer, finding those soft, sweet lips with his own, desparetely trying to quench his desire for Taeyong.

His beautiful, breathtaking, perfect Taeyong, who's finally here, and whose lips needily opened up as Jaehyun pressed his mouth against them, instinctively allowing the younger to claim him, even if it's just for one kiss. 

*****

Taeyong instantly misses the warmth on his lips as Jaehyun finally lifts his head, arms still wrapped comfortably around him.

'Hi.' 

'Hi.' _Why does his voice sound so weak and tiny?_

The younger doesn't say anything just watches him gently, and for the first time in ages, Taeyong genuinely feels okay. _It's them. It's Jaehyun._

He can feel the observant gaze on his face, but somehow he doesn't want to run. He doesn't want to hide himself. It's just Jaehyun. And no matter how hard he tried to deny it for months, deep down _Taeyong loves Jung Jaehyun with all of his being._

He sighs, leaning into the familiar, strong arms.

'You are so stupidly, breathtakingly beautiful, you know?' the other moves his head down so their eyes can meet once again.

'Jaehyunie, why?' Taeyong suddenly interrupts, unsure of how he should finish the question.

_Why are you still here?_

_Why do you care about me?_

_Why?_

'It's been a week, and God knows, when I first saw you back at the penthouse, _I hated you like I have never hated anyone._ I could have spat on you...' Jaehyun's words feel like sharp daggers in his chest.

'But yet here you are, and I can barely stop myself from kissing you till you can't breathe...' he continues, shaking his head.

'Fuck, Taeyong, I'm not some damned poet to be this helplessly in love with you...' 

Jaehyun's shoulders drop as he says the words, and he reminds the elder of the confused, lost kid he found on the rooftop that night. 

Taeyong hesitates before inhaling deeply.

_I will stop being a coward. For you. For me._

'I love you.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being late, I've been crazy busy with work and I've been awfully writers' blocked. I'm not completely sold on this chapter, hope it didn't turn out that shitty
> 
> also this is the car Jaehyun's fancy ass drives in the au: [link](https://www.hushhush.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/2008-lamborghini-gallardo-superleggera.jpg)
> 
> as usual, feel free to hit me up on cc and twitter too if you need anything/have questions/just want to talk etc.


	7. Fairy Tales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, this chapter is finally ready~ <3 Enjoy!
> 
> **/trigger warning: heavy mentions of eating disorder/**

It’s 3 AM, and Taeyong is sitting on the bathroom floor once again, alone. The situation is eerily familiar, his body recognizes what’s happening, taking signals from his clouded mind, and yet he doesn’t move. A defiant, little voice in his mind, one Taeyong barely recognizes anymore questions over and over… _What if I don’t want to? What if I don’t need to?_

_Why would anything ever change if I always do what I did before?_

He cracks his fingers, gently stroking the scratches all over his knuckles, the skin is still sore and sensitive. Taeyong never really considered himself sick, this was just his little secret to achieve a bit more, to be more perfect, to be ethereal, to be someone that’s good enough – something to do in the middle of the night, alone, to fix all his faults.

Then he met Jaehyun.

Somehow when they were together, the demon settled down, and Taeyong hated himself a little less. 

’Please be safe…’ the words Jaehyun whispered into his ears as he hugged him goodbye tonight still linger with him, a protective shield that stops him from doing… well what he usually does around this time.

Not tonight.

_Tonight I don’t need it…_

* * *

Despite Johnny’s protesting a few days ago, they are playing darts, and Jaehyun is losing. He just rolls his eyes as the dart he threw misses the target by meters.

’Here I was thinking you were good at this…’

He lets out an exasparated groan before turning to his friend.

’Why is _he_ here again?’ the _he_ in question is Ten who just showed up uninvited, following Johnny and walking into Jaehyun's appartement like he owned the place.

’I’m like an outdoors cat, I come and go wherever I please.’

 _’What he said.’_ Johnny just smirks at him lightly.

Jaehyun mumbles about freeloaders and this being his fucking penthouse after all, before walking out onto the balcony to light up a cigarette.

It’s getting late, but the city under his feet is still awake, Seoul has turned into a metropolis that never sleeps in the past few years. Clubs and gigantic office buildings were popping up left and right, slowly forcing out the less fortunate out from a city that has only ever showed it’s prettier side to the lucky ones…

And yet at times Jaehyun couldn’t help but wonder that his life might have been a little happier with less money and a warmer household.

 _’You are being a privileged dick.’_ the voice in his mind sounds so much like Taeyong he almost turns around in surprise, because it’s just such _a him_ thing to say.

Taeyong… Jaehyun doesn’t want to think about what happened earlier tonight, because it feels unreal, kissing Taeyong like he used to, seeing Taeyong blushing and flustered as he said those words, hearing him say those words.

Love died for Jaehyun 8 months ago when Taeyong ran away. But now he’s back, and the shield he built around his stupid, naive heart is slowly breaking into pieces, letting the essence of the other man slip in through the cracks, chasing the bitterness away.

Jaehyun loves Taeyong.

_It’s just…_

_Do I trust Taeyong?_

_Taeyong keeps secrets. Taeyong left. Taeyong turned his back on me and ran away._

A part of Jaehyun begs him to drive over to his place right away, kiss and fuck him breathless, to show what he missed out on when he went away, to hear him moan his name again and again, lustful and satisfied from orgasms.

_Taeyong left. Taeyong ran away. Taeyong keeps secrets from me._

’You got a lighter?’ Jaehyun’s spiralling thoughts get interrupted by Ten walking outside.

’Ya.’ he sighs. The cigarette’s bright head flickers as the elder inhales it deeply.

’It’s nice up here.’

Silence.

’Wanna tell me what’s on your mind?’

’No, not particularly.’

’Alright.’ Ten leans against the wall, staring into the night.

’Why did he leave?’

Jaehyun mutters out a quiet fuck – _here’s to not asking about Taeyong, fuck me._

’It’s not my place to tell, Jaehyunie.’ Ten shrugs, but the younger catches the spark of seriousness in his eyes. He hesitates before continuing.

’When you wanted to jump off that skyscraper, what made you get up there?

The question catches Jaehyun off-guard.

’I just felt like I was suffocating.’

’Why did you end up listening to Taeyong back then?’

’He helped me breathe again…’ Jaehyun’s voice trails off, _and for a second he’s back there, desperate, drunk and achingly lonely on the top of a dark city that’s ready to swallow him whole._

Ten flicks the cigarette away. He searches around in his pockets for a pen before writing down an address.

’You should visit.’ he murmurs, forcing the piece of paper into Jaehyun’s hands.

* * *

The cab stops and as Jaehyun opens the door, he’s hit in the face by the authentic smell of freshly prepared kimchi. The buildings are older and more traditional around here compared to the ever changing sight of Gangnam, but the street is well-kept and clean, there’s hardly any signs of decay – and if Jaehyun is being honest, the lack of skyscrapers makes him feel at home

He’s a little wary looking around, trying to locate the address Ten gave him, trying to find – well he’s not exactly sure what is that he’s looking for just yet, as the man refused to explain and just walked out, leaving him rather confused.

Six. The house number sign is old, hanging loosely above a red door secured by a giant locket, it doesn’t take a genius to tell that he won’t be entering through here. Jaehyun sighs, the curiosity is getting the better of him, so he walks around the building, looking for a window to peek in through. _Where the fuck did Ten send him?_

The fence is low enough to just step over, so Jaehyun does, ignoring the judgemental voice in his head lecturing him about tresspassing and criminal charges – something about this place is unresistably drawing him in. He looks around, hesitating before pushing the slightly open window in, forcing his body through the gap.

 _’I’ve gone nuts. This is breaking and entering, fuck fuck fuck.’_ he thinks, but only for a moment before finally seeing what’s inside.

His jaw drops – he had seen Taeyong paint enough times to recognize his hands’ work, but never like this. He used the walls of the tiny appartement as his own canvas, painting a colorful fairy world all over them with his usual, enthusiastic lines, and Jaehyun can feel his mouth pulling into a smile as he imagines the elder tiptoeing carefully to reach the higher parts. The room radiates with energy, the kind of blossoming, enticing warmth that followed Taeyong around.

_Why did he hide this from me?_

Everything about this place reminds him of the Taeyong he fell in love with and Jaehyun can’t help but feel overwhelmed. Maybe here, sitting in the middle of this enchanted fairytale, it’s okay to love like he used to, _once upon a time…_

*****

Hours pass as Jaehyun is laying on the hardwood floors, allowing himself to truly rest for the first time in months, not even caring anymore about the fact he’s currently trespassing, completely dazzled by the artwork.

_’Fuck!’_

A bottle drops and Jaehyun spins around, jumping up on his feet to face a dumbfounded Taeyong.

’Fuck, you scared the shit out of me, what are you doing here?’ his tone is definitely angry, but his eyes tell another tale.

’Uhh… I’m a burglar?’ Jaehyun just says the first thing that comes to his mind.

 _’Clearly.’_ the elder just raises an eyebrow. He’s wearing simple sweatpants and a hoodie that’s oddly familiar to Jaehyun…

_Wait, it’s too familiar._

’Is that my hoodie?’

’Maybe.’ Taeyong pouts. ’It’s comfortable so I kept it, assface.’

Jaehyun just stares at him without blinking before laughing.

’So. What are you doing here? How did you even get here?’

’Ten gave me the address.’ he chooses to answer the easier question. ’What is this place?’

’This place’ – Taeyong waves around lazily – ’is my studio.’

’Your studio?’

’Yes.’ he pulls the curtains away, letting the sunshine in, before staring back at Jaehyun above his shoulder in complete disbelief.

’Is this how you got in?’ he signals with his head towards the jarred open window.

’Yeah.’ the younger can feel the heat of his ears turning red.

 _’What the fuck, Jaehyunie.’_ Taeyong giggles quietly before plopping down onto the floor, leaning against the wall. 

’You are staring.’ he seems entertained by how flustered the other is, before extending a hand towards Jaehyun. ’I promise I won’t have you arrested for breaking and entering if you sit.’

The younger exhales exasparatedly before joining Taeyong, trying to save the last shreds of his dignity.

Minutes pass as they stay silent, there’s just so many things to say, yet somehow none of them feels right.

’When did you get this place?’ Jaehyun finally decides to speak.

’A few months before I left. _It’s stupid.’_

The younger hesitates for a second before he reaches for the other man’s hand, entwining their fingers carefully, reassuringly stroking the much smaller palm with his index. Taeyong doesn’t pull away, and a ray of hope lights up in Jaehyun’s heart.

’I asked Ten yesterday, and he said it’s not his place to tell what happened…’

’It’s mine…’

’Do you want to?’

’I don’t know how to.’ the elder replies simply, hanging his head down, and Jaehyun instinctively pulls him closer.

’It’s okay.’ he whispers into the soft hair. _’You are okay.’_

’Why are you not sleeping at night?’ Taeyong lifts his head and the gaze on his face feels like it’s burning Jaehyun alive.

’I just… can’t.’

*****

Jaehyun makes him feel safe, and with each minute passing, his presence reminds Taeyong that he belongs somewhere, that he doesn’t have to be lost.

I will stop running. For you. For me.

’Jaehyunie?’ his voice is weak and quiet.

’Ye?’

’I haven’t been honest with you.

* * *

**(1,5 week earlier)**

_Lately it’s easier._

_Months passed, and it’s finally getting easier to be away. Nowadays he can breathe again, and the once excruciating pain has turned back into his usual comfortable numbness. It’s nowhere near happiness, but it’s okay. Atleast during the day._

_The night… well. Taeyong rolls his eyes at his reflection in the mirror, ignoring the tears of straining his body messing up his face, forcing himself to down the icy water to soothe the burning of his esophagus. He sighs, turning around a little too quickly, almost falling over. He drags himself to the bed, hiding under the blankets shivering. He’s cold. So cold._

_***** _

_The usual throbbing headache wakes Taeyong up abruptly. He's alive._

_He sits up, groggily looking around before reaching for his phone, the phone he diligently checked everyday, but never answered, his fingers itching to just dial that number._

_Jaehyun just stopped trying to contact him after a month. He gave up, just as the elder originally wanted, but the fact he did stings, it's a lot more painful than what Taeyong expected._

_'I'm coming to you, we have to talk. Y'_

_The phone freezes in his hand, and for a second he considers packing up and running to yet another country, because honestly he would rather bath in acid than face a pissed Yuta._

_Something is wrong._

_***** _

_Yuta has bleached his hair blonde since Taeyong last saw him, as he spots the elder in the restaurant a hint of worry shows up on his face, replacing his usual moody expression for a second._

_He doesn't bother saying hello as he approaches the table._

_'You are a difficult man to find.'_

_'Hi to you too.'_

_The observant gaze mapping his face makes Taeyong gulp._

_'You look like utter shit.'_

_'How did you find me?'_

_'Look, Yongie, I'm not Ten, he may have supported your big runaway project, but I sure as hell don't.'_

_Taeyong inhales deeply as Yuta continues._

_'You have to come back, hell I don't fucking know why you left in the first place...'_

_'No.'_

_Yuta shakes his head, tugging into his hair._

_'Are you happy?'_

_'Yes.' the lie burns Taeyong's tongue, and he can't help but avert his eyes._

_'You are full of shit.' the younger sighs, hesitating as he weighs what to say._

_'He's been drinking and partying without an end again.' something familiar and dark drops in the Taeyong's stomach._

_'Look, I have no fucking clue why you had to run through half the world... but it's killing him.' the words feel like daggers in his chest._

_Silence falls on them._

_'Come home.' Yuta reaches into his pockets, throwing someting on the table beetwen them, and Taeyong doesn't need to check to know it's a plane ticket._

* * *

Taeyong inhales deeply. Come on.

_Be brave._

'I came back because of you.' the words are barely audible, and yet he can feel Jaehyun tense up next to him.

'What?' his tone is almost unfamiliar, masking an emotion the elder isn't quite able to pinpoint.

Taeyong looks up, forcing himself to meet the captivating, warm brown eyes.

'I love you. That's why I'm here, Jaehyunie.' 

The younger is staring at him, wordlessly, curiously, and it makes Taeyong feel exposed and vulnerable, but it's okay, because it's Jaehyun.

_I will stop running._

He hesitates before finally kissing Jaehyun the way he've been wanting to for months, roughly, needily, letting out all the emotions pent up inside, desperately hoping that the man will understand everything he is unable to put into words just yet.

*****

The kiss catches Jaehyun off-guard, but his initial surprise is quickly replaced by something much deeper and urgent. Taeyong loves me, Taeyong is here. Taeyong is mine.

He only lifts his head for a second, allowing them both catch their breath, admiring the lustful fire burning in Taeyong's eyes.

'Jaehyunie, I...'

'Shut up.' he growls deeply before claiming the soft lips again, and Jaehyun knows that there's nothing gentle about the way he's grabbing onto his hips anymore. His nostrils are filled with the man's mesmerizing scent, and he can't help but pull him onto his lap.

_'Are you mine?'_

The elder doesn't reply just blushes, and Jaehyun finds him even more breathtaking like this, flustered and shy, so he allows himself to forget about everything except Taeyong.

_Taeyong, Taeyong, my Taeyong..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy i've been struggling to write this chapter so much, had the first half ready for weeks, i hope it's not that bad
> 
> love you as usual, thank you for all the support, kudos, comments, and reading
> 
> we are nearing the story's end, i'm planning to wrap this up in 2-3 chapters


	8. Where The Night Takes Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut ahead btw

Another night, another fundraiser, and Jaehyun's cheeks are already sore from the forced, polite smile. He elegantly bows as his father shakes one hand after the other, portraying the image of the perfect son.

It's almost 10 PM, it's been 3 days since he took Taeyong home that afternoon, days since their passionate kissing has turned into cuddling and once again Jaehyun got to hold him. He excuses himself, desperate for atleast a momentary escape from the air heavy with cologne and the stink of chaebol money.

He sneaks outside, hiding behind a column as he lights up the cigarette. He inhales deeply, holding in before letting the cloud of smoke disappear into the night. Jaehyun reaches for his phone, helplessly staring at it. _No new messages._

His mind is on Taeyong. What is he doing? Is he okay? 

He sighs before dropping the phone back in his pocket. _How am I losing a staring contest with my phone?_

As he puts out the cigarette he rubs his sore cheeks, mentally preparing for the upcoming, no doubt excruciating gala with Seoul's lucky one percent.

It's hours later when Jaehyun's phone finally rings.

*

**2:44.**

The red numbers are burning into Taeyong's retina as he sits up. His body got used to his night routine, a misguided response from the nervous system causing more harm than good. He looks around, eyes adapting to the darkness.

So what now?

Normally this would be the time he stumbles into the bathroom, carefully covering every single mirror before dropping onto his knees, allowing his body to take over...

_I don't want to._

The little defiant voice in his mind returns, louder this time.

_What if I don't want to?_

And Taeyong doesn't move, he stays sitting on the bed, eyes lingering on the clock, observing as time passes.

It's 3:07 when he types in the number and sends a quick text.

* * *

The night is chilly, and Taeyong can’t help but shiver as he gets out of the car. There has been a strange tension boiling inside ever since he sent the first text, and Jaehyun offered to send the limousine over in response. 

_Be brave_.

He's sighs exhaustedly, before pushing the heavy door of the lobby open. The doorman sleepily waves him welcome.

The elevator moves quick, almost too quickly for Taeyong's taste. As the door opens, he's welcomed by the sight of the dimly lit, familiar appartement. 

_'Jaehyunie?'_ he hesitatingly calls into the darkness. 

'Hi.' the aforementioned appears around the corner, and Taeyong watches as his dimples appear from the slight smile. He almost loses balance as Jaehyun steps closer, awkwardly stumbling to the side.

'I almost forgot how huge this place was.' he says instead, hiding his embarassment. 'It's like a palace.'

'You know what they say... if you live in a place with glass walls, you better not go around throwing rocks.' Jaehyun giggles softly, and for a second the elder is glad in the dimmed light his blushing cheeks are safely hidden. 'You want a drink?'

Taeyong just nods, quietly watching as the refined muscles of the man tense as he opens the bottle. Seconds later as Taeyong takes a sip of the drink, he can't help but smile at the flavour of strawberry mixing with vodka.

'I still remember how to make you a drink.' Jaehyun just winks at him before taking a sip too.

He doesn't say anything, and Taeyong is incredibly grateful for it. Minutes pass as a deep silence falls on them and the elder knows it's up to him to talk.

'I'm sorry if I disturbed your night plans.'

'Yeah the guy was devastated when I sent them packing.' 

The jealous beast roars angrily in Taeyong's stomach. 

_'I'm just fucking with you.'_ Jaehyun reassures quickly, catching the sore expression the other made. 

'There's noone like you anyway.' he says the words so lightly for a second the elder isn't even sure he heard it right.

'Asshole.' 

'And yet you still came to me in the middle of the night.' the tone is teasing, flirty, but Taeyong catches a hint of worry under it.

_Be brave. Stop running._

He inhales deeply before speaking.

'I hate myself, Jaehyunie.' 

There it is. Out in the open. It's not the whole truth, but it's something, it's the most he can push out.

Jaehyun just stares at him in disbelief, observing Taeyong carefully, as if he's making sure he will forever remember this.

'You are beautiful.' he finally says simply.

'Be careful with your words.'

The arms that lock around his waist lift him up onto the kitchen counter like a feather. His legs are forced apart roughly as Jaehyun steps closer. Too close. _Dangerously close._

'You are so breathtakingly gorgeous.' his voice is dry as he pushes his forehead against the other man's. 

'Kiss me.' the sudden heat in Taeyong's body is rising, desperately craving the familiar touch. Jaehyun thinks I'm beautiful. 

'What?'

'Kiss me, Jaehyunie.' he demands again, desperately, ignoring any reason. It doesn't matter. _I want him._

This kiss is different from previous ones, it's loaded with want and desire, and as Jaehyun pushes against his lips harder, Taeyong feels as if he's going to eat him alive.

The younger pulls his head away, breaking away from the swollen red lips, giving Taeyong one last questioning stare, only to get a dissatisfied whine in return. 

Jaehyun smirks at the needy noise, something dark and dangerous lighting up in his eyes. Taeyong could swear the palm sliding up on his back is burning him.

 _'So fucking perfect for me...'_ the growl disappers somewhere into the depths of Taeyong's neck, as an eager, hungry mouth attacks the sensitive skin, biting purple marks harshly only to kiss the pain away mere seconds later.

Taeyong's brain barely registers that he's being carried, because when Jaehyun is kissing him like this, the world just seems to disappear, all that matters is that this burning sensation of desire doesn't disappear, that these strong fists keep holding him so tightly. He finds himself thrown on the bed, with Jaehyun hovering above him, eyes sparking wildly with lust. He's taking his time, and it's driving Taeyong insane.

'Jaehyunie, please...' he can't help but pout a little. 

'Please, what?'

'I want you.' 

_'Oh?'_ the voice is almost mocking as a cold hand finds it's way under the elder's shirt, pushing it up with ease. The sudden exposure makes Taeyong shiver. 

'Tell me, love, what do you want?' the words are sweet, but he knows Jaehyun well enough to be aware of what comes next. 

'I want...' he's interrupted by a warm tongue flicking over his nipples.

'Ah-ah. Keep talking.' there's a clear warning in the stare Taeyong receives.

'I want to feel you, and...' he trails off, not knowing how to finish. Sharp teeth dig into the thin layer of sensitive skin above his hip.

'I said talk.' the growl is deep and it makes the heat in the pit of his stomach rise. Jaehyun is honestly too handsome on any given day, but being under him like this just drives him crazy. _Beautiful devil..._

'I want you to touch me, and to...' he finds himself flipped over at the speed of light, with warm skin pushing against his naked back, dangerous lips tracing over his shoulder blades.

'What else, sweetheart?' 

'...' the words fail to come out as Jaehyun's hand finds it's way under the waistband of his jeans, palm closing around his hardening cock. 

'Fuck me...' 

'Louder.' 

_'Fuck me, Jaehyun... fuck... please...'_ Taeyong can't control the desperate begging anymore, not like this, not with Jaehyun torturing him mercilessly.

'That's it...' the satisfied growl echoes in Taeyong's ear as the jeans and his underwear disappear in the matter of seconds, leaving him exposed and unable to hide himself.

 _'Maybe I can love you enough for the both of us...'_ the words are barely there, Taeyong doesn't get a proper chance to think about it before a tongue traces the outline of his member, finding it's way down to that tight little hole, slowly opening him up as Jaehyun moves one hand up and down on his already leaking cock.

It burns, it feels like as if his entire body is on fire, desperately begging for more, begging for Jaehyun, begging to finally let go, to come undone in the arms of the only man who he dares to show himself to.

The tongue disappears, and Taeyong lets out another dissatisfied whine, sounding almost too eager. Jaehyun giggles quietly.

'So needy for me... now tell me.'

'Yes?' 

'Are you mine?' Taeyong doesn't get the chance to answer as the man pushes inside him, leaving the elder hissing loudly from the sudden sensation of being stretched. Jaehyun wraps his arms around him, holding him as if he's going to disappear, not letting him go, not allowing him get lost once again.

'I am...' the words get lost in moans, but Taeyong doesn't care anymore.

_Taeyong loves Jaehyun._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was my first time writing serious smut, i was really nervous at to how it will turn out, i really hope it doesnt suck - let me know what you think
> 
> //  
> off: , please send taeyong lots of love on social media, our beloved leader really needs it right now

**Author's Note:**

> **thank you always -** **let me know what you think!**
> 
> [find me on cc](https://curiouscat.me/xoxodeedee2)  
>  [find me on twitter](https://twitter.com/xoxodeedee2)


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